Mental Health Awareness Week is simply the catalyst to write down the thoughts already swirling in my brain for a while. Finally the swirling became a coherent story at 4.46am this morning, when I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep (we’ll talk more about the impact of sleep on mental health later).
Some of you know of my challenges with mental health and some of you may be totally unaware. I have Bipolar 2 (the lesser of the two types, but still horrendous to deal with at times), anxiety which I’ve only really come to realise I’ve always had, but managed to push it way down, letting the adrenalin mask it. Both have been apparent all of my life, but during the pandemic I developed a new third challenge, one that I’ve kept quiet about until now publicly…I developed horrific agoraphobia during the pandemic and for someone as outgoing as me that was devastating and difficult to reconcile.
I am what I guess you would call ‘high functioning’, when it comes to my mental illness. This has been both a blessing and a curse. My underlying nature is extrovert to the extreme. I get ‘high’ when I am around lots of people, I love to socialise and until I fell physically ill a couple of years ago, I was out at least 2-5 nights a week, sometimes more, networking and socialising my butt off. I am known as as strong person, never afraid of anything. I stand up for what I believe in no matter what. I am always the helper, the caregiver, the mentor, the leader, life and soul of the party, the advisor and guide AND the ‘Boss Lady’. Which is amazing, who wouldn’t want to be known for all of that.
But, here’s the thing, what happens to that person when they know they have a reputation for all of that, but inside they feel extremely anxious to the point they can’t think straight, are frightened out of their mind with internalised worry, are dealing with chronic health issues, feel depressed and suicidal and feel their world has been pulled out from underneath them, and yet they are so used to everyone leaning on them, needing their help, guidance and support. What happens?
Well, in my case, the depression kicked in big time. But it was not the kind of depression I usually experience. That usually manifests itself in my brain barely functioning. My thought processes slow down to almost a standstill. I can only describe it as like ‘walking through treacle’. And I hide from the world for a bit, but I can usually still manage it. But this new depression had me in a totally different way, yes I still had ‘treacle brain’ and was withdrawn, but usually this only lasted a week at a time. This new version had me hide in my room for months, not getting out of bed at all. I wanted to cry all of the time. I didn’t open my mail for months on end out of fear, I paid bills late, making that fear even worse (I NEVER do that, even in my worst BiPolar depression times) I didn’t wash for days at a time, I let my house get messy, that also never happens and I simply didn’t care about myself or anyone else. In fact there were times I ignored phone calls, texts and emails as well.
On top of that my anxiety, usually triggered by stuff to do with finances and money, was unstoppable. It was out of control and at a level I had never experienced before. It is odd, I had always had work or my business to distract me (or cause the adrenalin to mask it), but being chronically ill in bed for 12 months leaves you raw, vulnerable and totally exposed, which meant the anxiety simply took over. I experienced panic attacks, which I had experienced a few times before, but now they were happening all of the time.
And then came the agoraphobia. After a year in stuck in my flat, in bed, trying to manage, without medication, multiple chronic illnesses, having an accidental fall that led to me having carers in daily to wash and dress me for several months, is it any wonder, when the pandemic hit, that I was petrified of falling ill again. So for two more years, some on doctors orders, and some self inflicted, I mostly stayed inside. At one point the agoraphobia was so bad I couldn’t even go down to the mailbox, which is still inside my building, to retrieve the mail. For an extrovert that was always out and about, this was a cruel blow to deal with on top of depression and anxiety.
I have to tell you, I didn’t think I would make it through to the other side of this ‘circumstantial depression. (I call it that because I do think it’s different to my Bipolar depressive episodes.) I had managed for so long to manage and hide my Bipolar and anxiety, why couldn’t I do this too? But I couldn’t, it wasn’t until I was sitting on floor of the nurses room at my doctors surgery balling my eyes out that I finally realised, I had to look after me, I didn’t have it in me to look after anyone else right now and i needed to ask the professionals for help. I got a therapist, I joined networking groups, I reached out to close friends and leant on people. Leaning on people is not something I find easy. I’m the strong one remember. The Boss Lady.
But here’s the thing, the switch to asking for help, leaning on others and allowing myself to be seen in a vulnerable state, was actually one of the bravest, most powerful things I have ever done for myself. I have read so much on my three mental health challenges, I understand them so much better now and I am getting way better at asking for help when I need it. I had a therapist who was OK, but unfortunately because it was the NHS it was not great. But what they did do, was organise a ten week free fitness programme designed for people dealing with mental health and more specifically with those who are in physical recovery like I was. I cannot tell you how much that changed things for me. Exercising in the park, even when it was raining, and using ‘tapping’ therapy to enable me to overcome the agoraphobia in order to get out of the house was EPIC. (I cannot recommend tapping enough, it was awesome. Just Google it or ask your therapist about it if you have one.)
And the final thing that helped was getting more sleep. I have severe insomnia, which I’ve had since before I was a teenager, sometimes I don’t get even one minute of sleep for several days, it’s brutal on your mind and body. On top of that I have severe sleep apnea which has me stopping breathing, on average for 5 minutes every hour I sleep. Let this sink in…during a 5 hour sleep session I stop breathing for 25 minutes a night. If I stopped breathing for that long in an ER they would probably call time on me. But, instead my brain and body go without oxygen for 25 minutes every night. Is it any wonder my brain isn’t working and my body is exhausted. But, I have been taking zinc and magnesium and melatonin, sleeping sitting up (this helps with the sleep apnea and idiopathic inter cranial hypertension) and at one point I was also taking ashwagandah. They don’t always fix the sleep, but they do help and I get a lot more rest than I used to for sure.
Now I’m functioning like my old self again. The bipolar is back under control. The ‘circumstantial depression’ has gone. I now want to get up every morning to do things and see people again. And most importantly I am no longer afraid to go out of my own front door. Is everything perfect? No. I’m currently dealing with some financial challenges, which are bringing up all of the anxiety. But every-time I feel the anxiety rising, I slow down, take a breath, many breaths actually. I am exercising using electro-magnetic stimulation (try it, it’s an incredible whole body reset). I’m re-engaging with society and changing the record in my own head every time it appears to go off track. And the tapping really helps too.
So whether you are outwardly ‘the strong one’ like me, or you are simply a person dealing with mental health challenges, don’t be afraid to tell people, ask for help from professionals, get a diagnosis, rely on trusted friends and educate yourself on what you have once diagnosed so you can help yourself to live a wonderful life. For people with long term mental health challenges like myself or if you have something else, know it is possible to be content, to live the life you deserve and to function and contribute to your community and in society at large.