It gives me ‘the ick’ big time, but here’s the thing, I’ve had to learn, there are times in our lives when we need support and guidance to help us make sense of the jumbled thoughts racing around our heads.

But who do you turn to?

A friend?
A coach?
A mentor?
A therapist?

For me it’s been a mix of all four. For those of you thinking of asking for help but are struggling with ‘the ick’ yourself, here’s what I’ve learned about a) how to get over yourself, b) how to ask for help and c) from who?

How to get over yourself?

Brené Brown talks about the power of vulnerability, that it takes courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable. When I first watched Brené’s TEDTalk on this subject I thought I knew what it meant. “Cool, so it’s not about appearing weak, phew!”. My interpretation of what I was hearing was I was OK to be my authentic self, to start dismantling the protective walls I’d built up over the years, and that was OK for people to stop twisting myself in knots to be everything to everyone. And that felt great, but I didn’t really know what the power of vulnerability truly meant until I had to deal with being chronically ill for a few years and having to face the fact I couldn’t recover on my own. It’s pretty humbling being in your mid forties and having to rely on someone else to wash your bits and help you into your underpants. It kind of puts a whole new twist on what it means to ‘ask for help’.

I am, by nature, self aware. I’m a perfectionist. Sometimes it serves me and sometimes it doesn’t, but where it does serve me is that I think it’s OK to always be a ‘work in progress’. How else can you ‘F*** The Status Quo” right?

How do you ask for help?

If you want to move forward, improve and achieve more, you need to get over yourself and be OK with asking for help. How? It’s really simple, Step 1: dismantle the walls you’ve spent years putting up, Step 2: just ask. Most people love helping others, it makes us feel good, so it’s more likely than not that you will get a resounding “yes, of course I can help you” if you take that first courageous step to ask. I’m not sure if you were expecting a more complicated answer, but there isn’t one.

Just ask!

Who should I ask? A friend? A coach? A Mentor? A therapist?

When working closely with people I’d like to think a I’m a decent mix of all four…within reason. My speciality is working with non-conformists, they’re not exactly keen on being smashed into boxes as far as descriptions are concerned and neither am I…and I have plenty of clients, past and present, ready to back me up on that for sure. But, l did say I’d help with your question of “Who should I ask?” so here goes.

A FRIEND: The up-side of talking to a friend is that the trust usually already exists. They know you and may be able to fast track they help and support they can offer. The down-side is that friends (and family) often won’t tell you the truth because they don’t want to hurt your feelings, telling you what you want to hear rather than what you need to hear. I’m not saying don’t talk to your friends, they can make great sounding boards, especially if, like mine they tend to be straight-talking mates who don’t pull their punches ha ha.
A COACH: Firstly, I’d like to define what a coach is, because it is different to a mentor. A Kiwi friend of mine Jude Sclater has written a great book for those leading teams called ‘Think like a coach’ (a top read by the way), in it she has defined coaching perfectly “Coaching is giving someone your attention while they think out loud and asking questions to help them discover their own solutions to act on.” In my mind this is me providing the kind of guidance that allows them to figure it out for themselves by asking the right questions.

Being a non-c0nformist myself, I’m not a stickler for a singular coaching methodology. I have read many books, white papers and articles on coaching methodologies over the years and I have developed a leadership programme myself, but a) it has loads of flex to ensure I provide what a person actually needs rather than sticking 100% to one formulaic approach, plus as I continue to educate myself on the latest ‘thing’ I continue to adjust it' as an offering. “Always be a WIP remember”. One thing I do want to highlight as a ‘watch out’ with a pure ‘coaching’ approach is that there are loads of people out there who offer ‘coaching’, because they’ve done some ‘training’, but lack any practical experience. Please be mindful of this when choosing who you end up working with.
A MENTOR: So, we’ve defined what a coach is, how is a mentor different? In simple terms mentoring is less about leading with questions and more about teaching using your wealth of experience and knowledge to provide practical helpful answers. It’s more advisory in nature.

After almost 35 years of being a boss (I was leading a team of 5 people by the time I was 19), I don’t know if it’s my natural nurturing side but I love mentoring talented people. I have a huge bank of knowledge and experience and it brings me joy tapping into that in order to help others become the maximum version of themselves. It’s why I have created a lot of tools and templates because I want my mentoring to be meaningful and impactful. Everyone has the potential to be more. The secret is being brave enough to ask for help when you have gone as far as you can on your own. So when looking for a mentor, ask yourself “Do this potential mento have the kind of real life experience that will help me achieve the maximum version of me?
A THERAPIST: A lot of people I coach/mentor have commented that when working with me it’s like therapy. Which is great, but as a person that has had to deal with her mental health challenges and has a therapist to support her was and when required, I also know the help I offer has its limits. On more than one occasion, my clients have opened up to me about some pretty massive issues. I do feel privileged that they trust me enough to open up that deeply. But, I am also accutely aware, that I don’t have the right level of training and knowledge of how to deal with these things properly. It’s important to know that at times mentoring/coaching won’t be enough and that a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist may be the better option. It’s a delicate situation, but one I’ve had to handle quite a lot over the years, so whatever comes up I’ll be able to deal with it in the right way.

So, that’s ‘the who’ covered. Like I said, depending on the person I’m working with, I tend to to be a mix of all four of the above, depending on what they need.

Hopefully, what I’ve written has helped you feel less of ‘the ick’ about being more vulnerable and brave enough to ask for the help you deserve in order to be the maximum version of you.

Please do get in contact with us if you you want to chat about how we can help.